Thankfully for all us women already crippled by insecurities and wondering what more they can do to please potential partners, The Sun wrote an article in which “Men reveal their biggest turn offs from hairy nipples and ‘factory’ vaginas to crusty eyelashes and girls who talk about football.” Imagining someone sitting down at their desk and being paid to write said article makes me wonder why I am at university trying to get a degree so that I can one day hope to have a successful career, when instead I could do a job like this, writing articles that undermine the plight of feminists everywhere and essentially reveal a lack of respect towards other human beings.
The author Nirpal Dhaliwal posted the results of his ‘in-depth scientific study’, kindly lacing the article with images of himself so that I can recognise this man and avoid him at all costs. After naming marriage as one of the biggest turn offs, the outspoken writer then goes on to explain how women talking about football literally causes him to lactate, which I strongly urge him to get checked by his doctor. “Women football fans never truly appreciate why men invented and love the game: as a means to escape women themselves”, says Nirpal, failing to recognise that everyone is entitled to enjoy both playing and watching football. My younger sister plays football, much like me when I was her age, and I can only hope that she never has to deal with this level of gender discrimination in sport, something that these pub-going misogynists clearly endorse. The FIFA Women’s World Cup will take place in France this summer, so for anyone who is yet to see the sheer skill and talent of female football players, I would definitely recommend tuning in. It may amaze Nirpal and friends to see women being permitted into football stadiums, let alone on the pitch, with male spectators showing support to the female teams. They recommend we stick to the coffee mornings and leave football to the real “blokes” – heaven forbid all humans (be they men, women, or otherwise) could share an interest in the same thing, right? Do these men feel threatened by the women that “colonise their social spaces”, or is this simply a reminder for us to get back in the kitchen where we so obviously belong?
Women were also reminded not to swear or act ‘manly’. Were these “fellas” born in a previous century? I’ll use my fucking expletives as much as I fucking want you whining little twats, my deepest apologies if that kind of shit gets on your tits. The extent to which the article feeds into the construct of gender binary and stereotypes actually concerns me slightly, but perhaps I was wrongly under the illusion that the majority of the population had overcome such narrow-minded opinions. Alas, I would invite anyone more informed to let me know what acting like a man consists of, so that I can avoid it at all costs in order to make myself more attractive to these pricks.
Furthermore, may I apologise on behalf of all women everywhere to the men that have to endure nine months of pregnancy followed by up to eighteen hours or more of labour, in which they literally force an entire human being through their cervix. Oh wait… the article says that they’re turned off by merely having to witness childbirth, apologies; I can only imagine how hard that must be for them, and how cruel of women to make them watch this spectacle, which can only be likened to “a scene from Alien”. Most of all I feel sorry for the children of men who cannot appreciate the beauty of a newborn being brought into the world, I’m sorry that they’re a part of this gene pool. I also send out some more sincere apologies to the woman with hairy nipples, whom was shamed for being “hairy and tyrannical” before being advised to pluck. It’s not just nipple hairs though, these men remind us to keep on top of our personal maintenance, as the sight of a “bush the size of the Amazon jungle” might affect male libido. If you really are so disgusted by the basic biological fact that women grow hair on various parts of their bodies, and that not everyone likes to rid themselves of it, then I question whether or not you are mature enough to be having sex at all. When was the last time Nirpal shaved, waxed, lasered or performed some other act of defuzzing his vagina? A boy told me in primary school that I had hairy arms, and I subsequently began shaving them once I reached high school; I invite that same boy to take a look at my legs in the midst of exam season and remind him that, despite most likely originating from social pressures, my hair removal routine is for myself and nobody else.
Amongst other ridiculous libido-crushing factors including bad breath and poorly applied makeup, there is only one that I can maybe acknowledge. Ignoring the fact that the men spent their downtime at the pub slating women, I consider myself reasonable enough to understand that being told that the size of your penis is disappointing would diminish any man’s confidence. However, I wonder if the friend that made this point was also the same man that refused to have sex with a beautiful woman because of her pubic hair, or if it was the other member of the research group – the one that described his girlfriend’s vagina as a factory? Luckily, in recognition of gender equality, the Sun have granted us ladies our very own article in the same style, listing back hair and skid marks as some of the least attractive traits amongst the opposite sex. Thanks so much, I feel empowered again – it’s a shame the authors left out the biggest turn off of all: men (and also women) who waste their time writing petty little articles like these. Perhaps we could all just try and be a little nicer to each other, focusing on what we are attracted to in others or the qualities we appreciate in both friends and partners. With that I must apologise to Nirpal for tearing apart his article, as I have not intended to write this as a personal attack, more an expression of my genuine disgust at this content; I just hope he finds something more engaging to write about than his glory days of cheating on his ex-wife with hairy-nipped ladies – I, for one, can’t wait for his next piece. fffffffff